You don’t have to force yourself to be special, different and unique just to get someone’s attention. If that person is truly attracted to you, it’s the you that he or she normally gets to interact with that he’ll find special and not the supplied quirk you establish to grab his or her engrossment.
Gosh. I am absolutely positively inconstant and volatile, like any minute my mind would just randomly burst into some outrageous pile of mush suddenly craving to eat peanuts or maybe join peace corps or whatever.
I’ve been following a strict no rice diet for over a month but I do occasionally eat bread. However with the sudden turn of events that I will discuss later, I will now opt for a purely carb-free, gluten and milk-free diet. I’ll be going back to the gym in preparation for summer and most probably will be depriving myself of sweets even further. I’ve always been figure conscious and despised crossing over the 50 kg mark (I’m 47 kg) not because I want to look good for anyone but for my own self-satisfaction. Not desiring to look flabby when I wear a bikini again, we have to take drastic measures even if it means negating yourself of the things that make you happy (particularly
do you remember the first time you were called annoying?
how your breath stopped short in your chest
the way the light drained from your eyes, though you knew your cheeks were ablaze
the way your throat tightened as you tried to form an argument that got lost on your tongue.
your eyes never left the floor that day.
you were 13.
you’re 20 now, and i still see the light fade from your eyes when you talk about your interests for “too long,”
apologies littering every other sentence,
words trailing off a cliff you haven’t jumped from in 7 years.
i could listen to you forever, though i know speaking for more than 3 uninterrupted minutes makes you anxious.
all i want you to know is that you deserve to be heard
for 3 minutes
for 10 minutes
for 2 hours
there will be people who cannot handle your grace, your beauty, your wisdom, your heart;
mostly because they can’t handle their own.
but you will never be
and have never been
The sun streamed through the tinted glasses of the LRT, basking my caked face in warm light whilst I contemplated over an excuse to my Mother as to why I was going home at 7 am when I had left a day earlier.
Perusing through the events of the past evening, a single thought occurred to me, an idea that I had only conceived at the moment of dousing silence — I couldn’t be physical with anyone without an appendage of unneeded feelings. Unconsciously for me, giving more of yourself entails an emotional attachment. I suppose this arose from the unrealistic belief of fairy tales. Notwithstanding my previous notion of disbelief of fantasies, of a Prince charming sweeping me off my feet, I am certain that the little girl inside of me, persists in giving credence to the existence of a happily ever after. Thus, I had neglected to see that inasmuch as I believe that every physical intertwining has a supposed sensation of compassion or at the very least, attraction, the possibility subsists that the other person doesn’t see it that way, that it means nothing more than a sheer kiss or sex.
Which brings forth another notion - Is this way of thinking impeding my chances of meeting someone? Does giving regard to the psyche of the heart make me less interesting in comparison to a woman who overlooks feelings to carnal desires?
I arrived at my destination with no excuse for my Mom and no answers to my own internal disputes. As the train came a halt and people emptied the compartments, I had more questions that remedies but oddly, a calm surged through my chest - This was the beginning of a new chapter of me, an epoch that hopefully will set into motion my resolution.
I’m going to follow Lorra and Kyle’s advice.
I’m being stupid, really. Why am I insisting and creating false promises and hope for myself where there is obviously none.
Hearing their frank inputs has allowed me to inexorably put a period to this phantasm.
The words hurt but they’re at point. I am headed in another direction, a steering far of your course.
it’s the first time I literally felt single on Valentine’s day. Yes, I am single but it didn’t exactly cause me any form of alarm or particular discomfiture. That is until today, in this forsaken year. The dreaded, holiday of all that isn’t even a valid feast because classes aren’t suspended —
Surrounded by close peers and associates who all have their own significant others felt like being choked so lightly yet repeatedly, like the fiery passion permeating through their stares burned right through me, irking my nerves to the slightest sight of affection, roses, chocolates and large stuffed toys. Sitting at the Tambayan, brimming with couples was a painstaking process, most especially when asked what my plans were for the evening which by now you could guess as exactly what I’m doing as of the moment - scrolling through my dash and eating a large bag of Hershey’s Kisses and Reese’s whilst listening to a carefully selected 70’s & 80’s love songs playlist.
For the first time in forever (As Anna beautifully sang it out) I actually, to a noteworthy extent in comparison to previous years where I really didn’t give a shit about this fake holiday, hate Valentines.
By now, you must be fretting about with your so called love life, worrying over trivial matter that, believe me, won’t matter when you’re already 20. Don’t hasten to mature, stay young and enjoy your childhood. You don’t need a boyfriend to validate yourself as a beautiful young woman. Aim to satisfy yourself and not the opposite gender. Nothing comes out from vying to be the best in physical beauty when you fail intellectually. Spend more time with your friends, bond with your roommates and treasure every sunset and sunrise you get the pleasure to see from your dorm room cause when you’re in college and live in an overly crowded city, inside a building right beside another skyscraper, you’ll hardly have the opportunity to appreciate the exquisiteness of the earth and the blinding light of that revolving ball of fire. Take more walks, savor the freshness of the air and just be happier. Things could get worse and trust me when I say this, they will. Love yourself, more than any other man and when that significant other arrives, he’ll love you even more.