We accept the love we think we deserve

I constantly read posts here on Tumblr about the act of pushing away people. I’ve always thought of myself as the contrast of such individuals - how I beckon those who surround me. But after much introspection I’ve come to grasp that akin to what I once believed as a feeling naught of my own cognition, I too was a victim of suppressing compassion and that haunting ache of seething unworthiness to deserve love. 

But that’s not true. Everyone is entitled to feel the joy of ardor, to wrap themselves in a blanket of amity and meaningfulness. We all deserve to be loved and to love back. There is no exception.

Tuesday 24 th June

I’m a jeje. omg. Don’t mind me.

Tuesday 24 th June + 4
Hey!

So much has happened since I last wrote here. Frankly, I’m more than a tad bit lazy to elaborate on my ditzy summer. 

However, the present poses a grandeur chapter of my leaden subsistence which I will gladly garnish for your reading pleasure. (Or sorrow)

Escape clauses out of the way, my long vacation begins nonetheless this does not imply that work needed to be done for the incoming academic year is to be stalled. Momentarily, the labors of the future may have fallen through the cracks but slowly the realities of my state of affairs set in. (And in a not so soothing manner)

And on top of that long list is my Sorority obligations which I will have to address at the soonest time possible. I had mistakenly thought that my load would be in want for a more forthcoming date. Hence trepidation is fast approaching the surface of my usually calm periphery — a product of my negligence.

Nevertheless my anxieties in regards to the métier at hand is only second to a work-unrelated apprehension.  I am more than capable to capacitate under severe working conditions but what I am honestly concerned about is that I may be in lacking of time for a certain someone. My hopes were quite high in relation to this emotional experiment so I had internally planned to put much effort in making it work through a social gathering the youth normally call ‘dating’. Withal, it seems that this ‘dating’ may have to step aside. (much to my disappointment)

To end this conte, I want to ask (with my minute knowledge on the field): What would you consider a good date?

Monday 16 th June

I suppose that gradually the lines separating the outward disposition of pacification and the inner demons we encroach blur with each lie we mutter and each mask we put on. Naturally, we grow to believe the possibility that we are more than that greater malevolence we hole up and that an inkling of goodness could indeed be preserved within the confines of that hell which we call our mind. However, the ghastly carriage of humanity eventually forces us to reconsider as if hammering unto the crevices of that little brain of ours that we will always be nothing more than a speck of indignation that could nevermore be altered — Alas this is what the cosmos has dictated and we are mere prisoners chained to this inevitable warped nature wrapped in flesh.

Wednesday 14 th May

We maintain a stance of self-righteousness which in fact closets are self-servitude. Most people mistake it as simply making appearances for the sake of it. That is where you are mistaken. The facade of virtue does not root from the aching of recognition but in the erudition that with the right words uttered at the right moment, anything is achievable and there exists no boundary to what human selfishness could overcome. 

I am not self-righteous. I am simply self-centered with a silver tongue that I make good use to preserve myself.

Wednesday 14 th May
“People who cannot trust others isn’t only because they’ve been betrayed before. It’s because they know they can’t be trusted either. And someone out there is exactly like them.”
— Phantomnella
Wednesday 14 th May + 2
“It’s really scary when you get attached to someone. You spend time with them, you get to know them. You find yourself knowing their favorite color, food, movie, song. You discover their flaws and their talents. And as time goes on, you learn more and more, absorbing every second of detail without even realizing it. Then one day, you wake up and realize how much this person actually means to you, and you love them for every strength and weakness. They make you feel warm and secure, but most of all, they bring you happiness. And to bring happiness to someone in such a way is a strong and powerful thing. It could break a person completely. Some say those who fall in love are young and dumb. I say they show an incredible amount of bravery. It takes courage to trust somebody with your entire heart”
— (via strawberrytelle)
Tuesday 13 th May + 3153 via
Bad Child

Most children are given titles, ‘Best Speaker’, ‘Most Active’ and what so. I was given a label: ‘Bad child’

Majority of my youth my Mother never failed to point out that I am the lesser daughter, the rotten apple and other metaphors implying the brusqueness of my character. Whenever I did something wrong, it wasn’t the action that was bad but me. My shortcomings reflected who I was thus a poor response equated to my atrocious personality.

I came to believe her words soon after with it being repeated on numerous occasions till the exact intonation and stresses of how my Mother pronounced it burnt itself unto my mind. I was in fact, a bad child and I acted upon that supposed natural impulse of doing terrible acts. After all I was a displeasurable human. I could not indulge myself of the concept that I could be more than that synthetic being. I had a knack of quickly coming to conclude that I was incapable of being good —that I was a selfish and scheming person.

Who I am now mirrors my upbringing and I am not exactly certain what kind of person I am. The internal dilemma embossed within the crevices my mind purges on: Could I be more than that damning inscription?

Good or bad, sometimes I think maybe I’m better off as the latter. I never describe myself as good. To say I’m decent would be a luxury. When asked what my redeeming character was, I would always say rational. I wasn’t someone who would comfort a despondent friend, I was the type who’d bicker the painful truth or at the slightest, distance myself to leave them in peace. Being pragmatic was a compromise I had to make. Being nice didn’t exactly mean being smart and practical.

What does this tell about parenting? From my point of view given my understanding of basic Psychology, that giving a disheartening insignia to your sons or daughters would gradually define them as a person, quite similar to how it has delineated my persona and my view of myself.

I am not a good human being but right now, I don’t assess myself to be completely bad either. The hurdle of having to accept that I am beyond that sheer epithet urges me to know myself better.

Maybe I am not so bad after all.

Monday 5 th May

In instances, I feel myself crack under the pressure cooker we call life, I seek solace in here, writing. Because while in the process of slowly yet steadily losing fractions of the person I was before, the words I put into ink remedy the courage I had lost. I begin to reflect over my weakness, my pains, my shortcomings and somehow my awareness of the limitations set upon myself allow me accept my humanity…then I allow the pressure to consume me, mold me till all that is left is a charred exterior enclosing a diamond, a being much more valiant and tenacious.

Sunday 27 th April
✯FIXING